Cas' Hurt
by smellslikesalvation
Summary: Cas and Dean fight, and it's bad enough where Cas slams the door to the bunker as hard as he can when he leaves. (Seasons 6-8 spoilers, Past Cas/OMC, dub-con) Part Three of Relationship by the Water


**Somehow season 6/7 feels got in there... whoops**

* * *

Cas gets into his car, a small, unnoticeable silver Toyota, and drives off into the night, seething, angry, and crying. The tears won't stop no matter how hard Cas tries to make them, and the road keeps getting blurry.

He has no idea where he's going. He takes turns without thinking, possibly turns around at one point, but he never stops. Not once. Once he's been driving for close to three hours, he pulls the car over.

Cas falls out of the car on his hands and knees on the grass he parked next to. He shuts his eyes as tight as he could, and just lets go.

Somehow, no one calls the police, asks if he's okay, or anything. Cas knows he's loud, and when he looks around, he sees why. He's no where near civilization. Trees tower over him, and crickets and toads chirp nearby. Even an owl or two hoots.

Cas' breathing is heavy and ragged. His teeth feel like they are vibrating, and his head is throbbing. He stands carefully, wiping his hands on his pants before swiping them down his face.

Something splashes in water straight in front of him. Cas walks toward it, not caring about how dangerous this is, but nevertheless pulls back the tall weeds.

A small beach stands in front of him, ten feet wide, five or six feet long. Cas sits down next to the water, swishing patterns on the bottom of the shallow part of the lake.

The lake itself isn't very large. He can see the entire thing from where he sits, and he can't even smile at the tiny waves.

More splashing.

Cas looks toward the center of the lake where two ducks are chasing each other in the water. One would nip at the tail of the other, and the other would chase back. Sometimes they took to the sky only to land back in the water.

It's strangely calming to watch these two animals playing. Cas watches until they flew away for good this time.

Cas pulls up his knees, resting the side of his head against them to continue watching the lake, and keeps tracing nonsense in the sand under the water.

The night is too calm, too silent all of a sudden, and the memory of today comes hurtling at him unannounced.

Dean.

Cas scowls, jamming his finger deeper in the sand.

Dean.

He rips his hand out from the water, and covers his ears, wanting to stop what he knows is coming.

_'Dean!'_

It comes anyway.

The whole stupid thing started with one person. One person Cas met right after his Grace was ripped out by Metatron. One person _five goddamn years ago_.

It was pure coincidence they met again. Today. Hence the fight.

Before Cas got back to Dean and Sam, he traveled for about three months. At the time, he didn't realize that his 'helper' was tricking him.

His 'helper' was Miles Hurt. Miles offered to give him a ride, and ended up driving all over the country, and no where near where Cas wanted to go. But Cas was new to all this. And Miles was nice. Cas didn't have any money, but Miles paid for his meals.

They slept in motels that Miles paid for, every morning he would say that they were so and so close to Kansas. Maybe if Cas could remember how the damn US was structured, he would realize that New Hampshire was no where near Kansas.

Either way, Miles was nice. He smiled and laughed when Cas told a joke. He washed Cas' clothes when they became dirty from being slept in and worn day after day. He once recommended Cas sleep in just his boxers.

"Clothes won't get dirty as fast, and it's not as hot," Miles said, smiling as he did so.

After a month together, Cas kissed Miles. He reeled back, trying to apologize, when Miles hooked a hand behind Cas' neck and pulled him back in.

They didn't have sex that night, but four days later, they were in another motel room in yet another state not near Kansas, and Cas felt wound up.

Afterwards, Miles slept facing away from Cas, who was staring at the ceiling, thinking about Dean and Sam. What were they doing? Were they at the bunker, or were they out hunting? Was Sam better? Was Crowley human? Was Dean dealing with his feelings the way he usually does, drowning himself in alcohol?

Two months in, Cas saw a sign that read, "Welcome to Texas. Drive friendly- the Texas way."

"Yeah, we should reach Kansas soon," Miles said with a small wave of his hand.

Cas slumped in the passenger seat. He traced his finger on the leather part of the door. He knew that Miles wasn't taking him to Kansas, but Cas still had no clue how to get there. As they approached a gas station, Cas perked up.

"Miles. Can I get something to eat?" Cas asked.

Miles nodded, and pulled into the station. He handed Cas ten dollars, and said, "I'll wait here. Get me Kit Kats."

Cas nodded, and walked inside. He grabbed the chocolate treat for Miles, a bag of chips for himself, then saw a map of the US at the checkout counter. He grabbed one of those, paid for both, and pocketed the map.

"Here," Cas said as he handed Miles the chocolate.

Miles drove away, and Cas frowned as he opened the chips.

He wanted to get as close to Kansas as he could before ditching Miles, and even the thought pained him. Miles _had_ been good to him. Even for a short while.

But Cas knew he couldn't stay with him anymore, because if he did, he would never see Sam or Dean ever again. So after Miles fell asleep, Cas opened up the map.

As of now, they were in Tennessee. Cas didn't know which direction Miles was taking him, but Cas would stay until he got to one of the surrounding states to Kansas.

He folded the map back up and tucked it in his trench coat pocket. Cas got into his own bed, and fell asleep with Dean and Sam in his mind.

After three more weeks, Cas found they were in Arkansas, and it was time. He was having dinner with Miles when he brought it up.

"I think it's time I go on alone," Cas said while biting on a piece of chicken.

Miles stared at him. "Oh really?" That tone wasn't good, and Cas knew it.

"It's just that," Cas continued, "I feel bad, taking all of this time away from you."

"Don't. I like spending time with you." Miles put a hand over Cas'. "I don't want you to leave me alone."

Cas genuinely felt a stab of guilt run through him, but he wanted to go to the bunker. He wanted to see the brothers, to see Kevin.

"I'm sorry, Miles," he said while slipping his hand out from under Miles'. "But I have to go home." The words felt strange in Cas' mouth, but right.

Miles threw down a thirty dollars on the table, and grabbed Cas' wrist, pulling him out of the restaurant. Cas was shoved into the car, and Miles drove to their motel.

"If you're leaving, you're going to give me a farewell gift," Miles growled.

Cas didn't know what to do, so he went along with it. As usual, Miles fell asleep right after, and Cas felt horrible. His stomach was in knots, his cheeks were wet, and his body felt sluggish.

Miles was in a deep sleep as Cas gathered his things and shut the door behind him.

A week, sore feet, and a hungry stomach later, Cas was knocking at the door of the bunker. Dean answered it with a gun in his hand, and when he saw it was Cas, pulled him in for a hug.

And when they asked how he got here and why it took so long, Cas just said, "Got sidetracked."

But of course, secrets don't stay secrets for long. Dean and Cas were in a mini-mart when Cas heard _his_ voice.

"There you are." Cas whirled on his heel. Dean was in an aisle farther down the store.

"Miles," Cas said evenly. Miles looked dreadful. He had a beard, closely shaven to his face, hair only slightly longer than before, yet he looked so old now.

"My little angel." Miles pressed closer to Cas, who tried to back away without causing a fuss.

Cas put his hands up as a barrier. "Miles, please leave."

"What? Like you did? In the middle of the night after-" Miles paused as he looked over Cas' shoulder. Cas backed up until he felt Dean's presence at his shoulder.

"Back off," Dean warned.

Miles laughed. "This is home to you? This little fucker?" Miles laughed again. "You left me for him?"

Dean stiffened behind Cas, and Cas winced internally, but scowled. "Miles, it's been a very long time. Leave it alone."

"No." Miles took a step closer. "After you, nobody compared. Nobody. Our three months were spent in pure bliss."

"Two months, Miles." Cas didn't dare look at Dean's face yet. "And I was lonely and you were filling in the role of someone else."

"I don't think so. Who's name did you cry out in ecstasy? Who's name did you beg for more? Because I _know_ it wasn't _his_."

"Shut up!" Cas yelled. Miles grinned, apparently pleased with the results. Cas ground his teeth. "Leave. Now."

Miles still grinned and showed all his yellow teeth. "Call me if you want another night." And with that, Miles strode out of the store, whistling some tune.

Cas felt the tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He sucked in a breath, and, without looking at Dean, asked, "Regular or wavy?"

Little fish swim up, then dart away as Cas pokes the top of the water with his finger. Cas still doesn't understand why Dean would blow up after all these years. Five years, and he's pitching a fit about one guy Cas was with a few times.

It isn't fair. Cas knows Dean had regularly hooked up with women, not recently of course, but Cas doesn't go around yelling and screaming about something that happened however many years ago.

The noises quiet down some, and Cas feels the vibrations of his phone in his pocket. He grabs it, but only looks at the name Dean before ignoring it.

Cas' phone ends up ringing three more times in the next hour. He ignores it every time. If he picked up the phone, Dean would either yell or swear or do anything but apologize. He would skirt around the idea, and expected Cas to go along with it. Like always.

No. Not tonight. Cas is pissed, Dean was an asshole, and now he needs to make it up to Cas.

The reason Cas didn't mention Miles was because he wasn't important. A fleeting point in time that passed, and never looked back upon.

He hears the roar of the Impala close by, and Cas sighs and looks at his phone. Charlie probably tracked him. Which means he was over twenty miles away from the bunker. Impressive.

Cas doesn't move, and he hears the engine turn off, and the sound of Dean opening and closing the car door.

"Cas!" Dean calls out.

Rolling his eyes, Cas goes back to playing in the water. Then his damn phone starts vibrating. Cas pretends he can't hear Dean's boots getting closer to his hiding place.

The weeds are pulled back, and Cas grabs a small twig from under the water.

Dean doesn't say anything. He plops himself down on the other side of the small beach, five feet away from Cas. Dean sits cross-legged, arms supporting him from behind.

The fish come forward and start to nibble on Cas' finger. The sensation is weird and tickles a little, but Cas doesn't smile.

Cas looks at his reflection in the water. Almost his entire face is red, plus his eyes are puffy.

He sniffles.

Dean looks at him.

Cas can see Dean open his mouth, but Cas cuts him off before he can speak. "Unless the next words out of your mouth are an apology, I don't want to hear it." Cas pulls his hand away, picking up the twig and swishing it around the water.

"Cas," Dean says, and it sounds too much like a plea.

"I'm serious, Dean. Damn it, I want an apology. Why is that too much to ask?" Cas glances up at Dean, and is shocked to see the edges of his eyes are red.

Dean breathes in deep, and Cas rolls his eyes. Saying sorry. Who knew it was such a big deal?

"Cas," Dean says, "I love you so fucking much, it almost hurts- _does_ hurt." His voice sounds raw. "I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm sorry, Cas. So sorry. I heard what that douche said, and I just felt this rage and," Dean pauses, "I took it out on you when I should've taken it out on _Miles_," he spits.

Cas smirks. "Dean, you have been with your fair share of women over the years, am I correct?" Dean stares, and furrows his eyebrows. "And I have not _once_ brought any of them up since we began our relationship. Miles was so long ago-"

"What?" Dean asks.

This time, Cas is the confused one. "What?"

Dean says, "Weren't you listening to me being an idiot?" Cas slowly shakes his head. Dean smirks, and Cas thinks it's wildly inappropriate at the time. Then the smile falls away and is replaced with an angry frown. "You might not remember what you told me while you were screaming at me, but you said something that sounded like you were..." Dean clears his throat. "Taken advantage of."

Cas thinks about it, then his eyes widen in realization. In the haze of a headache and adrenaline, yes. The likelihood of Cas talking about that is very high. He doesn't realize he put his head in his hands until Dean wraps an arm around his shoulders, and presses his lips to Cas' shoulder.

"I love you, Cas. I don't care who you hooked up with, but that guy was an asshole and I _should _kill him for what he did to you."

Cas scoots over and lays a hand on Dean's. "I love you, too, Dean." He kisses Dean's hand. "I think I have been for a very long time."

Dean scoffs, but it's wet and sad. Cas knows he's just down-playing it.

"I do everything for you, even when it angered you and Sam, always for you." Dean knows what he's referring to, so he continues. "On the day I talked with Crowley about Purgatory," Dean growls a little, "I was at your house."

Dean blanches. "What?"

Cas nods. "I was watching you rake leaves, and thinking about Raphael and the war and considered asking for your help." Cas plays with Dean's fingers. "Crowley appeared, and when I looked at you," Cas looks up at Dean, "you looked so happy. I couldn't take that away from you."

In Cas' hand, Dean's fingers twitch.

"And, being my knight in shining armor, even when Sam and Bobby gave up on me, you had faith. You tried to get me to stop-"

"Cas," Dean pleads.

"-and I didn't listen. I thought I was doing..." Cas stops. "I thought I... I thought..." Cas can't finish the sentence no matter how hard he tries. "Dean, you told me you needed me, twice, and I left both times."

Dean doesn't comment.

"I have a feeling a bad pattern is starting, so I want to begin a new one." Cas, keeping his hold on Dean's hand, leans forward and kisses Dean's cheek. "I need you, too," he whispers into his ear. "And I'm not going to leave again. I'm tired of running."

Dean chuckles under his breath, microscopic smile on his face. His free hand lifts to stroke Cas' jaw and cheek. "God damn it, Cas. You-"

Cas stands up, offering Dean his hand. When Dean tries to kiss him, Cas turns his head. Dean improvises and lightly kisses his neck.

"How long?"

Cas grabs Dean's face with his hands, thumbs petting Dean's cheek, and smirks. "As long as I feel like it."

Dean smiles instead of groaning like Cas thought he would, and parts the wall of green for Cas. Cas heads for his car.

"Follow me, okay?" Dean calls from his own car. Cas nods, and starts the car up.

Cas likes this new system. By this point at the bunker, clothes would normally be gone and they would find the nearest, not always flat, surface. But Dean takes Cas' word to heart, leading him straight to their room, stripping to a shirt and boxers, and immediately lays down on his back.

Not able to help himself, Cas follows suit, but forces Dean to turn on his side. This time, Dean does grumble about being the "little spoon", so Cas tightens his hold on Dean's waist and nuzzles into the back of Dean's neck.


End file.
